Cusack Counselling Therapy

Self-care:  look after yourself.  Get the proper nutrition, sleep and physical exercise.  Without proper self-care the mind does not function at its optimal best.

Do something kind, helpful or useful for someone else. Practice doing for others everyday.  Selfless acts toward others actually builds trust.

Embrace lifelong learning. Competence breeds trust.

Make decisions.  There is more lost in indecision than making the wrong decision.   Trust yourself.  Do the research and make a decision!

Be congruent:  A match between what you say and do is critical for building and maintaining trust.

Be genuine: Those people who are the most transparent tend to be trusted the most, and are also open to being vulnerable, sharing emotions and deepest thoughts.

Have integrity:  Stand up for what you believe in.

Over- communicate: Communicate often.   Those who communicate often and well help others feel  “ in the loop” and not “left out”.

Be honest with others in a kind caring manner.

*Remember fear and faith cannot exist in the mind at the same time.  When your mind is filled with thoughts of faith, then confidence, hope, charity and trust will prosper.  Fear will have little room to take root.

Parenting when Separated or Divorced – Custody and Access

In an ideal, post-separation world, the parents would each live close by, so that the kids have easy access to both parents, and that the parents can retain a strong sense of shared responsibility and involvement in their children’s lives. There’d be enough space and money in each household to create a personal space for the children to feel that they have a place and a stake in their Mum’s, and their Dad’s, lives. Sadly, of course, we do not live in an ideal world. Money is often tight after separation and divorce, geographical relocation is often a reality. Just the other side of town may seem a very long way from a child’s perspective.

The divorce settlement may speak of joint, or shared, child custody, but more often than not the reality is that one parent (usually the mother) becomes the main custodial parent, with the other (usually the father) having parental access for the occasional/regular overnight or weekend. Inevitably, this unequal division of parental access, effort and involvement, may create feelings of resentment, or envy between the estranged couple. When one fails to do what the other asks, or reneges on a commitment, the other may well feel inclined to response in like fashion. Sadly, it’s the kids who suffer most when child custody arrangements become a running sore between the couple. At its worst, the kids may feel that they are little more than inconvenient baggage that the parents fight to avoid being lumbered with. If you find yourself frustrated with your partner’s stance or reactions, it might be useful just to imagine how you would feel if you were in the other’s place, having a greater, or lesser, amount of daily contact with your children. What would be better, and what would be worse for you? Does that help you understand your partner’s stance a little more?

The practical elements of coping with post=separation parenting is challenging enough for both parents. The resident parent will frequently complain of feeling left to get on with it and very put upon. But non-residential parents face challenges too. 80% of non-residential parents of dependent children are men. A third of those men lose all contact with their children within a year of the separation. This is not necessarily because they don’t care about heir kids, but because they find the emotions stirred up by the process of being a ‘weekend Dad’ or occasional parental access, marked by awkward hellos and painful goodbyes contrasting with extended periods of little or no contact, all too painful. Too often they deal with that pain by removing themselves from the equation altogether. If meeting up with our kids feels awkward, and at the end of the weekend it feels terribly sad and empty, we may well want to draw back from future meetings, telling ourselves it is for the best. In fact, it is almost always for the worst. The kids will not feel that Dad has backed out of our loves for our own good, but because he doesn’t care about us.

A special message for non-residential parents (especially Dads): Don’t try to avoid the sadness. If there are tears, accept them as gift, a sign that the relationship matters. Don’t be afraid of the kids’ tears, or your own; no-one’s ever drowned in them. Reach out through the tears. Tell the kids you miss them too; it’s because you love them. If the meetings seem and feel a bit awkward sometimes; tell them you feel it too. Tell them it’s ok; that it’ll get easier with time, and practice. Don’t try too hard to make everything jolly, or just so. Be yourself. Be real.

And put in place regular arrangements for contact and do your damndest to honour them. It’s the best way of helping your kids (and your ex-) build up trust in the new arrangements. In time, new significant adults may enter your kid’s lives, as step-dads or step-mums. Follow the link to our Step-Parenting information in the Support Library. They may come to occupy an important place in your children’s lives. It will help if you and they can get on and respect each other’s relative roles and positions. But remember, your children will only ever have one father, one mother. Honour your own role in the way you conduct yourself as a parent and remember, even when there is no separation or divorce, most parents spend far more of their lives living apart from their children than with them. Parenting survives and goes on, long after separation.

1:  Clear out the junk:  Get rid of thoughts that involve hurtful words given by someone else.  Some people can be mean and hurtful.  Remember this is the offending party’s  issue  NOT yours.

2: List why you believe the negativity you tell yourself ( ie:  I am ugly,  I am fat,  nobody loves me  etc).  Once you have written it,  laugh at it  and rip it up  and move onto #3.

3: Count your blessings.  List what you are thankful for, and include things that are often taken for granted   (ie clean water, shelter  etc).

4: List your positive attributes and talents.  Name at least 5..

5: Make a list of what you love to do, starting from childhood until now, and try to find time to do one of these at least once a week, even if its only for a few minutes.

6:  List at least 3 things that you would love to have the courage to do.

7: Surround yourself with positive people  (if you don’t know any…find some…volunteer at an organization that interests you to find like minded people)

1. Realize that enduring happiness doesn’t come from success. People adapt to changing circumstances–even to wealth or a disability. Thus wealth is like health: its utter absence breeds misery, but having it (or any circumstance we long for) doesn’t guarantee happiness.

2. Take control of your time. Happy people feel in control of their lives, often aided by mastering their use of time. It helps to set goals and break them into daily aims. Although we often overestimate how much we will accomplish in any given day (leaving us frustrated), we generally underestimate how much we can accomplish in a year, given just a little progress every day.

3. Act happy. We can sometimes act ourselves into a frame of mind. Manipulated into a smiling expression, people feel better; when they scowl, the whole world seems to scowl back. So put on a happy face. Talk as if you feel positive self-esteem, are optimistic, and are outgoing. Going through the motions can trigger the emotions.

4. Seek work and leisure that engages your skills. Happy people often are in a zone called “flow”–absorbed in a task that challenges them without overwhelming them. The most expensive forms of leisure (sitting on a yacht) often provide less flow experience than gardening, socializing, or craft work.

5. Join the “movement” movement. An avalanche of research reveals that aerobic exercise not only promotes health and energy, it also is an antidote for mild depression and anxiety. Sound minds reside in sound bodies. Off your duffs, couch potatoes.

6. Give your body the sleep it wants. Happy people live active vigorous lives yet reserve time for renewing sleep and solitude. Many people suffer from a sleep debt, with resulting fatigue, diminished alertness, and gloomy moods.

7. Give priority to close relationships. Intimate friendships with those who care deeply about you can help you weather difficult times. Confiding is good for soul and body. Resolve to nurture your closest relationships: to not take those closest to you for granted, to display to them the sort of kindness that you display to others, to affirm them, to play together and share together. To rejuvenate your affections, resolve in such ways to act lovingly.

8. Focus beyond the self. Reach out to those in need. Happiness increases helpfulness (those who feel good do good). But doing good also makes one feel good.

9. Keep a gratitude journal. Those who pause each day to reflect on some positive aspect of their lives (their health, friends, family, freedom, education, senses, natural surroundings, and so on) experience heightened well-being.

10. Nurture your spiritual self. For many people, faith provides a support community, a reason to focus beyond self, and a sense of purpose and hope. Study after study finds that actively religious people are happier and that they cope better with crises.

Digested from David G. Myers, The Pursuit of Happiness (Avon Books)

5 Stages of Grief and Loss

 Denial: Not accepting or even acknowledging loss.

Anger:  Feelings of anger and blame.

Bargaining:  Attempting to make deals, begging, wishing, praying.

Depression:  Overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, self- pity.  Mourning the loss as well as hopes and dreams for the future.

Acceptance:  Finding the good that can come out of pain and loss.  It is not resignation, but acceptance.  Seeking comfort.  Goals turn to personal growth, and fond memories of the way things used to be.

You will survive.   You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know it is true.  To feel pain after loss is normal.  It proves that we are alive and human.    The Grieving process is not complete until the acceptance stage is reached.  Once the stages are completed healing and happiness can begin to occur.

Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to facilitate healing.

Face your fears – challenges seem scary but your fears are usually exagerated. Facing your fears increases your confidence and boosts your esteem.

Forget your failures  – learn from them. Avoid making the same mistakes again but don’t limit yourself by assuming you failed before so you can’t succeed this time. Try again, you’re wiser and stronger.  Don’t be trapped in the past!

Reward yourself when you succeed. No-one else will! Isn’t everything easier when you take time to help yourself? Make a list of your successes and focus on the positive.

Talk – We often make assumptions about a situation or person which are not true. Your attitude and behaviour can be negatively affected so if you have any doubt or question ask and don’t assume you know why or how.

Don’t be defeated! Try something else. You are not going to be defeated by one failed attempt are you? Doesn’t everyone fail before they succeed? All you need is a different approach. Good luck! I wish you happiness and success.

Decide what you can and can’t control. Change and act on the things that are in your control and release the things that are out of your control.

Accept responsibility. Finding self-confidence requires accepting responsibility for your own happiness, and recognizing that you are a product not only of your genetic code and your environment, but of the choices you make. Begin your day with the words “I am responsible.”

Be brave and take risks. Don’t be afraid of mistakes. Risk-taking builds confidence. When considering any risk: define a clear goal. Review the positive, practical and potential losses. Determine whether the risk is one of trust, identity or something larger. When you focus on risks that have a larger purpose, you can’t go wrong. Even if the risk doesn’t turn out as you hoped it would, you will gain from it. Act. Take a risk. Be confident — you have earned it.

* ”The best way to predict the future is to create it”

Its good to be self aware of our universal needs  and allow people in your life who help you meet these needs.  Humans have 5 basic needs: Survival, Belonging, Fun. Freedom, and Achievement.

Survival is the most important and if this need is not being met  the other ones don’t come into play as much  as a person is behaving to survive.  Survival refers to safety, food, water, and oxygen.

Love and Belonging is usually the second important need.  It refers to the need to feel liked, respected and supported by others  as well as the ability to like, support and respect others.  It is a need to have supportive people in your life  and have the skills and ability to be supportive in return.  Often times people who have disorders  such as schizophrenia  have trouble with relationships and finding a place where they feel belonging.

Fun is a need as well.  We all need to laugh, relax and enjoy life.  When people are stressed out  this need is usually the one that is lacking.

Achievement refers to the need to be good at something.  When kids are really good academically  they usually do not engage in bulling  or bad behaviour.  When kids do poorly academically  they behave to have this need met  and discover quickly  that they are god at being bad  or they are good at being a bully.  If we can help kids discover what they are good at,  it may keep them more focused on the positive.  Adults are no different.  We need to feel that we are good at things, and engage in activities that we feel successful with, whether it be basketball, knitting, or fishing.  The key is discovering what individual qualities you have and engaging in these activities that help you meet your achievement need.

Freedom need refers to the need to have choices, and options.  We feel free because we have the ability to decide, and plan.  Mothers will often give up their freedom to attempt at pleasing their family.  This may seem like the right thing to do,  but its good to teach your family about balance too, and make time for yourself.  Even decisions around what to have for supper  is helping your freedom need to be met.  Allow yourself to have options  and explore what they are, ad what choices may be best for you and everyone else involved,  but don’t forget  the “you”  part!

Awareness of these needs is key, and being able to plan ways to meet these needs  can be very helpful to achieving happiness.   Its not about becoming selfish  and focusing on only yourself,  but its about not denying yourself  while looking after everyone else  either.  It’s about balance!!!  Looking after yourself .  Its like the lecture the flight attendants give before take off: “if the air pressure  in the cabin changes, the oxygen mask will drop down,  put YOUR  mask on first,  an do not attempt to help anyone else until your mask is secure.”  The needs are like this as well.  Meet your needs  and then you can help others meet theirs.

Choice theory developed by Dr. Willam Glasser  teaches that all long lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.  The problem relationship is always part of our present life.  What happened in the past has everything to do with what we are today, but we can only satisfy our basic needs right now and plan to continue satisfying them in the future.  This is good news  because  if this is the case, we can work on our present life  and develop hope for our future.  We cannot change the past or fix the past, but we can learn from it  and work on the present to facilitate change for now and the future.   Becoming self aware of what relationships we want  is the first step.  Often times people work hard on relationships  when really they  have no commonalities with this person,  nor desire to be close to them.  Guilt  often keeps us from  the reality of a relationship.  For example:  People will often stay close with a friend they have had since childhood,  just because they think it’s the right thing to do.  The friendship may be uncomfortable, unpleasant,  and downright abusive  at times,  but  we often think that we “must” remain friends  and keep this relationship in tact  even if  its already dead.  People change  and grow apart,  and go separate ways.  Its O.K  to let go of friends from the past.  Its actually  healthy  to reflect on the people you surround yourself with  and ask yourself:  why do I like this person?  What do we have in common?  What qualities do I like about them?  If they are supportive, loving and kind to you,  work on the relationship and reciprocate.  If they are mean,  nasty,  and go against your moral values,  let them go, they will find others they have more in common with and so will you.

The only person whose behaviour we can control is our own.   The only way to facilitate change in our lives to to change  ourselves  and be self-aware of our own thoughts, and behaviours.  We can ask our selves:  What do I really want?  And what am I doing to get what I want?  Is this working?  If not how can I behave differently to get closer to what I want.

We not only think and behave  as humans  we also feel  and have physiology working simultaneously.  People often get stuck on their feelings and physiology,  and forget about the other two very important components: thinking and behaving.  When we are stuck in our feelings its difficult and often impossible to just stop feeling this way.  What we can do is change what we are doing.  A change in behaviour can often facilitate a change in our thoughts and then  our feelings and physiology change as well.

This idea of Total behaviour can be compared to a front wheel drive car.  The two front wheels of the car  are the “doing” wheel  and the “thinking” wheel.  The two back wheels are the “feeling” wheel  and the “physiology” wheel.  When we get stuck on the back wheels or stuck in our feelings and physiology,  we need to engage our front wheels to get us moving again.  We need to start doing something,  and possibly something we have never tried before  to activate our thoughts,  and indirectly change our feelings  and physiology.  So in essence,  our front wheels of our car  must be engaged to pull us forward, and out the icky feelings and icky physiology.  Our front wheels will help the back wheels move.  This is a principle of Choice Theory developed by Dr. William Glasser:   All behaviour is total behaviour and is made up of 4 components  ( acting, thinking, feeling, and physiology).  All total behaviour is chosen, but we only have direct control over the acting and thinking components. We can only control our feeling and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.